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An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer
were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer
of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and
was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much
is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made
a series of measurements and calculations before returning to
the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist
was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before
answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the
library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation
with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations,
he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed
last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview,
before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in
the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there,
checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How
much do you want it to be?"
Following a distinguished legal career,
a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope,
who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was
greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters.
The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found
in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then
taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private
swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates.
The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm
really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope
was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied,
"We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very
bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
Question: Do you know how to save five
drowning lawyers? Answer: No. Reply: Good!
Why don't snakes bite attorneys? Professional
courtesy.
How can you tell that an attorney is about
to lie? His lips begin to move.
How can you tell the difference between
an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in
the road? With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
How many lawyers does it take to screw
in a light bulb? How many can you afford?
An attorney passed on and found himself
in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained
to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal
his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended
to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least
three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested
that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell
on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who
told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard
in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to
Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much
sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted
to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some
of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three
men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash
before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in
my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three
agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each
approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman
said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother
Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would
have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery
very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought
one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then
said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might
as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin
either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner
if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000
and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to
buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient.
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The
lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put
my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the
full $30,000."
The National Institutes of Health have
announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical
experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They
have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now
more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers
don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they
did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some
things that rats won't do.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called
for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long
have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that
his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call
for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for
his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer
stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked
what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a
thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
What do you get if you send the Godfather
to law school? An offer you can't understand.
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney
were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation
turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently
quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent
dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called
to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates
ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates
ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number
of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled
them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician
patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his
efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called
for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and
was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton
to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of
the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit,
come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit
immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies,
auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for
his fee, and went outside to play golf.
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off
a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats.
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks
in sand? Not enough sand.
What's black and brown and looks good on
a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking
the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the
criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
A prominent young attorney was on his way
to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly
found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort
him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death
had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die!
I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a
bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check
on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm
afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your
age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your
clients, and you're at least 108."
A snake and a rabbit were racing along
a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided
at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began
to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and
thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that
he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot
about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems
of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the
loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection
in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked
like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the
same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the
rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and
then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed,
and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few
moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur,
long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail.
I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was
much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the
favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for
a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're
slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all
the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
A man walked into a curio shop and began
to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind
the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told
to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass
rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took
the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with
the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."
The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home,
he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and
began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him
and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats
kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes,
thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically
for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live
rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man
returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper
shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return
the brass rat!" The customer replied, "That's no problem.
I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock."
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling
together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant
city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced
to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer
welcomed them in, but cautionedthem that there were only two
spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn
with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief
agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was
heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered
to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he
could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he
was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The
fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The
fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him
of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that
every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's
worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney,
in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This
seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another
knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the
door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
A mother and son were walking
through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here
lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read
the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy,
why did they bury two men there?"
An attorney was sitting in his office late
one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the
lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every
case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore
you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make
embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul,
your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents,
grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends
and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment,
then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
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